Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Sometimes I cry. I try to do the majority on my crying alone, but sometimes the tears come when others are around and I just can't hold them back. Sometimes that person that is around is Kylynn. I often try hard not to cry in front of Kylynn because it distresses her quite a bit. She says, "mom don't cry. If you cry, then I'm go into cry. I don't want you to be sad." Of course, sometimes Kylynn has a distorted view of what might make me cry. The weather has been kind of nice lately and I offered to go on a bike ride with Kylynn. Admittedly, we haven't done this before as I was just recently (in the dead of winter) given a bike, but I can ride a bike still. Kylynn's response? "Mom, I'm not sure we should. You might fall and then you'd cry, and then I'd cry!" *sigh* Bike ride is on hold until Kylynn finds me a suitable helmet. I try not to cry in front of her too often, but still, it does happen.

Me, Kylynn, Mona, Carl, and Eric
Me and my harp, Ashe

Today was one of those days. First, I had chemo this morning and came home with this stupid fanny pack of chemo to be my constant companion for the next two days. Never a good set up when you're trying not to cry. But more than that, I have been thinking about and missing my friend and harp teacher, Carl. Carl passed away at the beginning of this year at the young age of 41. I was extremely sad when I heard of his passing, and then with a little time and a bunch of craziness in my own life, the hurt became less and the memories made me smile. But the past couple of weeks I have have been avoiding thoughts of Carl because they hurt again. It's been difficult though because my beautiful harp, Ashe (yes, I named him) sits in my room and reminds me of lessons and laughter with Carl. And I cry... and Ashe cries with me. If you've ever owned a largish stringed instrument then you probably understand that statement. Ashe audibly echos my pain and somehow it makes it hurt more. I have gone on the computer to pull up pictures unrelated to Carl, but have managed to stumble across pictures like these often. And I love the pictures, but they also carry a sting. Then today the details for Carl's memorial here (he passed away in Germany where he was living with his wife and daughter) were posted and will be held on what would have been Carl's 42nd birthday, and I cried. There was no way to stop it, and Kylynn came over and asked why I was crying and said that it made her sad. Kylynn knew Carl pretty well, as did Eric, so she understood when I told her why I was sad. We talked about how it's okay to cry when things make us sad like When someone we care about dies. Kylynn nodded her understanding, but just under that understanding was raw pain in the eyes of my ten year old. It passed fairly quickly, but there is very clear understanding of the tears that her future may hold.... which only made me cry more.
Fun with Kylynn, Carl, Mona, and Melanie

We did, however, pull ourselves together and had a nice quiet evening at home. Now my munchkin is sleeping soundly, yet I'm wide awake. I'm so very tired, but sleep is not cooperating tonight. I don't know. Some days just seem rainier than others, but even on the rainiest day there is the knowledge that eventually the rain will cease and the hope that once again see all who have been lost to us in this world when we reach the next.
Carl and Melanie